WHILE the Democrats and Republicans battle it out for the White House, I have been inspired by the headlines they are making.

They are a law unto themselves.

Which reminds me of Wirral Council which is planning its own monthly newspaper, y’all.

It is inspiring to us here at Globe Towers – a case of "if you can't beat 'em ... join 'em."

So today we announce plans for – a Wirral Globe Council (WGC).

It's transparently obvious to us.

If the Government tells us we can't do it, we will simply ignore them.

We won't need a council newspaper to get our services across – we've already got our own independent publication.

But to help us get into power in 2020 – aided by a fully-fledged politically-unbiased propaganda machine – we will print only what we want you to hear.

Policy-wise, we will double the number of councillors from the present 66.

We'll find the money somewhere.

It's our equality employment drive – jobs for the boys and girls.

No expenses spared.

Our motto will be: "We know what's best for you and your money."

We will gather research via fact-finding missions to other councils to find out how they manage to regularly get in Private Eye's Rotten Boroughs column.

All publicity is good publicity, and all that.

We will build on our unique property portfolio, too.

Funded by an ambitious series of care-home closures run from our brand new Town Hall – Lyndale House (full free car parking and gym and spa available).

As for recycling, we will be environmentally-friendly using a £1.5m budget.

We will dump all existing colour-coded bins and give each household a gigantic multi-coloured Rubik Cube on wheels.

For each collection you just have to scramble the code. If successful, your bin is emptied.

"Puzzling" do I hear you say?

"Rubbish – it's the future” our team of spin doctors reply.


AS for an arts policy – we will actually have one. WGC would bring back the Wirral Show.

For now Wirral's Heritage Open days do a fine job.

And as a life-long fan of these iconic vessels I suggest (in my capacity as WGC's Cabinet Minister for Culture and Fun) we should call it 'The Liverpool- Wirral Ferry'.

A simple name that would tell the world that the ferry is a Mersey marriage – a two-way love affair.

Every time we see the ferries on the television it is a virtual tourist- friendly postcard from Merseyside and Wirral to the rest of the world.


AND talking of postcards and other communications.

Dear me, I have been invited by broadcaster Helen Jones to host a couple of sessions on BBC Radio Merseyside's innovative strand "Up for Arts" next week.

The art of letter writing has now, sadly, been over taken by what I call "un-social media".

We communicate using 140 or less characters including a smiley face and all manner of bland, abbreviated text.

As an avid postcard sender I am a passionate supporter of any scheme where we encourage letter writing which involves more than pressing mobile keyboards.

I will be looking at the history of the letter and those who excelled at it from Dickens to John Lennon.

Anyone can put pen to paper.

Even Victoria Beckham has done it in this month’s Vogue.

She has written a letter to herself at the age of 18.

And did you know every single day the President of America dips into his huge mail mag and writes personally to ten correspondents picked at random.

As a leader and mayor of the WGC, I will take a leaf out of Barrack’s book and do the same to find out what the residents really, really think.


AND finally ... good to see our Wirral celebs Paul Hollywood and Paul O'Grady dominating the TV ratings.

The two Pauls would be made Freemen of the Borough in WGC's honours list.

I am pleased too that Paul O’Grady is to be honoured by the RSPCA for his work with dogs.

Wuff justice!

Peter Grant