AS we prepare to open the doors on our advent calendars, I am in training for the panto season which opens next week.

I'm not appearing in any, but am getting suitably psyched up for an onslaught of thigh-slapping, water pistols, awful gags and daft dames.

My critical pen is at the ready and it's good to know the standard is very high, especially from Wirral theatres.

So I don't mind turning into the Globe's Panto Pete again (the editor's seasonal name for me).

I have already taken in (and been taken in by) the get-us-in-the-mood department store Christmas ads which have little impact on where we actually shop, according to a poll.

But how come no-one hasn't adapted Yule never walk alone?

I am setting out to enjoy the comfort and JOY of the forthcoming, much-needed festive season.

What a pity others don't seem to be affected by the sprinkling of metaphorical magic dust (Chancellor Baron Hardup Hammond could do with a shower).

It seems some of our decision-makers need to watch the December 1 release of the Dickens' film The man who invented Christmas as these two incidents highlight mean-spirited pettiness on an unimaginable scale.

One group of nursery schools has banned glitter from craft lessons as it 'harms the environment.' 

Kids have to use lentils instead.

I loved the sparkly stuff.

I would make spectacular calendars out of Dairy Lea boxes.

I often came home covered in it so much so my mum thought I'd been to a lunchtime disco.

Also, while the Government deals with dastardly 'fixed odd' machines, a council in Worcestershire has banned bingo in care homes because having cash prizes contravenes the Gambling Act.

Eyes down ... shame on you.

The pensioners fork out £1 a game – it's hardly the Hatton Garden Heist.

What next for the Jobsworths?

Undercover teams infiltrating church fete raffles?

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OH Joy.

Many of today's children cannot get by without texting and signing off with emojis.

Social media has become anti-social media – but now there's a breakthrough.

Hand-written letters might seem like something more akin to Mr Dickens, but they are making a comeback in one brilliant school at least.

Teachers at the Franche primary in Kidderminster say pupils are missing out on putting pen to paper.

They have teamed up with two local care homes to launch their inter-generational scheme.

Kids and residents have become pen-pals.

All part of the creative writing curriculum where memories are shared.

I conduct letter-writing courses for BBC's Up for Arts and found this the most inspiring encouraging story this year which I hope inspires some of our local schools.

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BLACK Friday is also 'National Sardines Day' and is the anniversary of the first time the word 'sandwich' was recorded for posterity.

I mention this because on Tuesday I was like a sardine, sandwiched in between a bike and a man with a cat carrier on a rush-hour, three- carriage train from Hunts Cross to Central Station.

Maybe Merseyrail already have a solution to their 'driver only' trains.

There won't be any room for guards to get on board at this rate.

But there is light when we have guards like the ever-cheerful New Brighton line wag.

His announcement yesterday morning said: "Management are a bit worried.

"Can you please change seats before the next stop as this will make the train look busy on CCTV."

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HE came up with some phrases that are now part of everyday life so it was interesting that Paul McCartney called his first puppy 'knickers' - until his then girlfriend Jane Asher urged him to change it to the more sedate Martha.

She didn't want him calling out its name in public like that.

The sheep dog went on to be famous on The White Album, which is 50 years old next year – cue documentary.

I had a friend who called his tortoise Bannister in honour of Roger the runner who did the first four-minute mile.

His shell-covered friend did the living room circuit in four hours.

But my favourite is a Devon race-horse owner I once met who called his poorly performing horse 'He Meant Well'.

Which is what he used to say after another race went pear-shaped.

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JOE Pasquale says that being named King of the Jungle' in I'm A Celebrity 2003 changed his life.

He has since achieved 'a get out and do it - life's too short sort of attitude.'

He took a degree, got a pilot's licence and is now a horror writer with his book Deadknobs and Doomsticks.

Squeaky-voiced Mr P (it is his genuine voice) is one of Ken Dodd's favourite comics.

Now Joe says he owes his next venture to a 'fan.' 

Not a selfie-seeker, but a faulty dressing room air-conditioner which Joe tried to fix with hilarious results.

He was spotted struggling in a pure slapstick way and it was suggested he would make a great Frank Spencer in a stage version of Some mothers do 'ave 'em.

So next year he will be on a UK tour. Meanwhile, his horror stories are such a hit he is writing a follow-up called Dying for the sequel. 

Ooh Betty!

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AND finally ..

I once saw The Queen and Prince Phillip at the International Garden Festival and got my very own royal wave.

I applaud the couple who have been married 70 glorious years.

I wonder will she send Phillip a 100th birthday telegram in four years?

But who will send her one?

Peter Grant