PHIL and Fern giggling over nits and worms, Richard and Judy discussing the tale of Rebecca Loos and a pig (no, not the England captain!) and Trisha just being Trisha - yes, daytime television is really brimming with 'must watch' possibilities!

An autumn week's break gave me the chance to dip into the pool of time-frittering programming currently available during working hours. After each 10-minute session in front of the small screen with a cup of tea and a bemused look on my face, vacuuming the stairs or weeding the garden seemed a much better option.

During my bite-sized glances at 'This Morning', in addition to the presenting pair behaving like two silly schoolchildren at the prospect of 'Dr Chris' advising parents on the aforementioned nits and worms, we were also treated to the spectacle of the annoying member of the Ross family - Paul, of course - being less than complimentary about Elton John. Paul, if you had one per cent of Sir Elt's talent, you might just be watchable - on the other hand, maybe not!

It is always edifying to catch up with Richard and Judy, if only to make sure that Richard is still holding on to his crown as the king of faux pas. He doesn't usually need much encouragement, so I was surprised to see him being reasonably sensible during a discussion on an interlude in Five's reality show 'The Farm' showing Rebecca Loos helping a pig to fulfil his obligations as a potential father. He did, however, go into full 'me, me' mode while revealing a recurring dream of being chased by a raging bull. "That represents you," said the dream analyst helpfully. Look out for Richard as one of the animal stars of the next series of 'The Farm'.

Both Richard and Judy cheered up immeasurably every time they mentioned the new venture to follow on from the success of their book club. Soon to appear on a TV screen near you will be the Richard and Judy Wine Club - that should provide some interesting viewing in the run-up to Christmas!

By far the most irritating portion of daytime trash I was unfortunate enough to stumble upon last week was part of 'Trisha' on Thursday morning. As usual, the participants were of the dentally challenged, judgement-deficient variety with bad relationships and a total inability to realise that airing their 'dirty linen' before a TV audience is way down the list of what to do when your life is a mess.

The sad thing is that all of these misfits seem to have at least one child (but usually several), despite still being young enough to be a fan of Busted themselves. Does this mean that in years to come we will need five Trishas on hand to talk down to a whole new generation of TV 'fame' junkies? Stop the world...

SOAP POSER:

I'M surprised anyone in Corrie is still drinking in the Rovers with the spectre of hatchet-faced Shelley behind the bar. With a tongue as sharp as a fistful of knives and a glower that could make a grown man wilt at 20 paces, she is a great aid to a teetotal lifestyle!