ORDER ... order.

I'd like to gate-crash TV's Question Time tomorrow night from Norfolk.

I want to rant with the best of them in the heated audience.

Reveal one item in my own Brexit bucket list.

And I have my penetrating poser already prepared for when Wirral's Fiona Bruce squints into the audience and - spotting me - says: "Yes, you sir, the handsome sixty-something in the dapper suit behind the woman in the LFC Champions of Europe t-shirt."

Perspiring with anticipation, I then ask with all the swagger of the school swot: "Does the panel think that after three years stuck in a botched political landscape that the time is now right for two Prime Ministers in situ - a job share of sorts at Number 10?"

I have asked friends to tape the programme for me so I can see myself being ejected by security.

If allowed, I would go on to sound convincing by adding that with all our political parties in turmoil and with daily decision-making in disarray why not re-think our whole cabinet structure?

I would await a round of applause.

Then I would call for two JPMS - Joint PMs: a Premier for Brexit and a Premier for Domestic Policy. Two Ministers – both Prime.

No PM and a deputy like Cameron and Clegg – and definitely not another coalition.

We already have a foreign secretary, home secretary and Brexit Secretary but where has that got us?

Mrs May resigns as Tory leader on Friday and then it's a new series on the horizon - Britain's Got Premiership Talent.

At a conservative estimate I'm sure there will be a few last minute applicants joining Esther McVey and 12 others.

Frustratingly, we the public don't get a say in who eventually becomes our next Prime Minister.

Tory MPs have their fingers on the golden buzzer.

I have been analysing the contenders many of whom would be ideal for senior posts in back-stabbing and spin-doctoring.

You can see certain MPs are already plotting the downfall of the next PM.

So back to my political pipe-dream on BBC's QT.

I can hear one of the panel ready to rubbish my revolutionary 'two guv’nors' concept.

"I have never heard anything so ridiculous, totally unrealistic and unworkable," a budding minister without portfolio declares.

Fiona asks me for a response.

"Well, you started it," I shout back accompanied by a spontaneous standing ovation.

Bring on Andrew Marr, I'm ready.

*

DONALD Trump lapped up the pomp of his state visit.

He even discovered in reading his Ladybird Book of London that had we had burghers long before the Big Mac.

Yesterday, he concluded the political part of the tour, y'all.

No expense had been spared for the visit sealing our 'eternal friendship' and quite rightly jointly marking the anniversary of D-Day.

While in Blighty the President booked his family into a super rich hotel where rooms were £22,000 a night.

I once stayed in a French Youth hostel and for a few francs I had a glorious comfy bed and en-suite room to myself.

What else do you need for a night's kip?

I woke up to the best aromatic alarm clock ever to the taste of French coffee and hot croissants with jam.

Trump's family and entourage could have saved on security and room service by staying on the Air Force One aeroplane - it's been called a 'floating hotel.' You can bet your bottom dollar Donald will soon be arranging for the White House guest room or Trumps Tower annexe to have monocled pyjamas ready for a visit by Boris and Nigel.

*

CHANNEL 5 no longer has the monopoly on televised tat.

Channel 4 is offering a new series starting tomorrow called My gay dog and other animals.

It seems same sex behaviour has been reported in more than 1,500 species. Or are they barking up the wrong tree?

Years ago I interviewed a manager of a stray dogs' home down South who said he could spot a Scouse canine a mile off.

Now that's worth a documentary.

*

"PACK it in ... Rodney" is a ready-made slogan from Only Fools and Horses ideal for a fresh initiative from Waitrose supermarkets.

The forward-looking store has today launched a packaging-free trial which has a shelf life of 11 weeks in which customers bring their own containers for unwrapped goods from pasta to fruit.

Tupperware is making a comeback.

There are even re-usable bottles for wine - I will stick to my vintage Chatauneuf-du-Pape.

Like most great ideas – doing without pre-packaging is not new.

Woolworths pioneered it with Pick 'n' Mix an cinemas have offered self-service sweet wrapping for decades.

I applaud Waitrose for their responsible contribution to the war on plastic. But it has to be commercially viable.

I hope it proves cost effective for shops and customers.

Last time I made up my own pick and mix confectionary goody-bag at the pictures it cost more than the admission ticket.

*

And finally ...

The Department for Exiting the European Union is advertising for press officers.

Stone cold losers are not eligible.

The closing date for this "fixed term contract" (do they know something we don't?) with the clunky sounding DExEU is June 14.

I bet they extend it.

Peter Grant