UNDER starter's orders…

The race to the Number 10 winner's enclosure has begun.

The Grand National Election 2015 is the longest steeplechase ever and there are now five-and-a-half weeks so pick your choice in the sweepstake.

Lots of manure has already been spread.

And the use of the whips has clearly influenced some novices with their respective political handicaps.

We have Tory thoroughbred David Cameron in his blue silks on Big Society with fellow front-runner Red Ed Miliband jockeying for position on Shadow Dancing.

Nick Clegg, in the yellow, is on the unreliable Pinocchio but he might just get a placing by a (long) nose.

Nigel Farage on Mine's A Pint in purple and Nicola SNP Sturgeon in tartan top on Scottish Salmon are not to be ignored.

And Fiery Dragon looks an intriguing wager for Plaid Cymru as are all independents out to win in these gallop polls.

The Green Party on No Fracking are hoping they are not put out to pasture.

This year my conservative estimate is that it is anything but a two-horse race.

Politicians, you are now firmly in the saddle, so show us your true form on taxes, jobs, NHS ... tell us the truth now from the horses' mouths otherwise the knackers' yard beckons.

What will you do with our money when we put an X on the betting form?

We punters simply cannot afford to gamble on YOU for OUR futures...

Let’s hope there are no false starts and we don’t end up with a photo-finish.

The dreaded dark horse called “hung parliament” is already a worry.

Who wants to see a re–run six months down the line?

**

I HAVE came across some unpleasant celebrities in my career.

One "star" who sticks in my mind and stomach is Jeremy Clarkson.

This is not going to be the Inferno jumping on the bandwagon (cue Top Gear theme music).

I met this bore at an awards ceremony in the early 90s.

During a break, I went outside for some fresh air, but instead got hot air when I asked JC what he thought about Merseyside.

Without stalling, his surly reply was a crude comment that I couldn’t (wouldn’t) repeat in a family paper like the Wirral Globe.

He has acted like his true persona – a spoilt, ex-public schoolboy ever since.

As for one million people signing a petition to re-instate him, I am shocked and disappointed.

I hope people feel passionate about using their vote on May 7 with the same enthusiasm for things that really do matter.

If a washed-up TV presenter can cause such fervour surely more serous issues deserve equal enthusiasm?

Here’s a thought, imagine Jeremy standing as an MP.

Any takers?

**

THE much-hyped Poldark 'skinny dipping' moment has been brought out of all proportion, so to speak.

I cringed when I read female columnists over-heating on seeing an actor briefly bare all for his art.

It was déjà vu – reminiscent of Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice which became a tabloid talking point when Colin Firth was a Jodhpurs away from similar skinny dipping antics.

Now I hear antique dealer Lovejoy is to be dusted down and brought back to life.

I just hope whoever takes over Ian McShane’s famous mullet role is not a former Chippendale.

**

AND finally... I received what we journalists call a 'tip-off’' this very morning.

Wirral council will be re-branded as 'The United States of Wirral' from today.

President Phil Davies is already preparing his 'State of the Borough' speech.

It seems councillors – in a secret cabinet meeting – decided Wirral has had no identity so they have created the U.S of W.

Who needs the super authority?

Alas, I checked the date of this leaked press release from my whistleblower ... April 1.

More fool me.

Peter Grant