PETER Grant, Inferno sports editor, has been covering the first leg of The Sweet FA Cup final game between Westminster Coalition DisUnited and WBC Wanderers - (cue jaunty Match of the Day theme).

This encounter was bound to be a political bloodbath.

Both teams, desperate for loyal support and some new fans, produced a lacklustre performance.

Westminster fielded its strongest squad with Eric Pickles in goal blocking everything and a strike force of Cameron, Osborne, Cable and Clegg with Miliband, Balls and Farage sulking on the (back) bench.

The new WBC CEO was in the stands, following the shock departure of retiring midfielder Graham Burgess, and looked on as skipper Phil Davies and his squad battled it out in Wallasey giving nothing away. No change there.

It's going to be a tough second leg with both sides looking to get the vote of confidence from the multi-coloured rosette wearing fans.

It was, however, a tedious 0-0 draw with some bruising tackles from both sides.

There was some passing - of the buck - from the players. Injured from his European games, David Cameron was replaced by substitute Nigel Farage who wouldn’t give any of the foreign players the ball.

Westminster dominated throughout with a brutal tactical approach. WBC’s fans were in fine voice shouting from the terraces: "You're rubbish and you know you are."

The Westminster team - sporting their blue, purple and yellow kit emblazoned with sponsors "Universal Credit" - dominated the second-half as an unfocused WBC, in traditional red kit, kept attacking the opposition half but shooting way over the bar.

The Fastest Improving team in the local government political footy league was, sadly, all over the place. Opportunities squandered.

There were plenty of own goals, too, but all of them disallowed. At the post-match press conference the two club managers were sick as political parrots. Throughout they had shouted abuse at each other from the dugout.

Westminster's gaffer told the Inferno: "We had plenty of chances but threw them away."

WBC Wanderers' boss agreed: "It was a damp squib of a fight. I hope the voters forgive us."

Fans who had travelled to the Wallasey Stadium left shaking their heads as they headed for the bus replacement service.

Joe Public, from Birkenhead Job CentrePlus, said: “If they want me to buy a season ticket they are going to have to play better than that."

The Globe awarded man of the match to the ref… aka, the Whistleblower.

Roll on May 7.

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IT'S been a great month for the arts in Wirral. Lewis Bray gave a breathtaking performance in Cartoonopolis - his one-man play about autism.

This 24-year-old actor from Moreton will be a name to look out for as the Globe has rightly said.

Now Lewis is rehearsing his role as Flute in A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Everyman.

And Bev Clark’s Wirral-based Hand in Hand Theatre company is going from strength to strength.

Last year they triumphed with their Remembrance Day theatre event and now they've been working hand in hand, so to speak, with the RSC’s Open Stages project.

Their latest production, A Winter's Tale at New Brighton Floral Pavilion, was a spectacular celebration of true community theatre. Wirral has it arts in the right place thanks to such talent.

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AND finally ... Former Labour party spin doctor Alastair Campbell is a no-nonsense communicator.

I have met him many times and been impressed by his arms-folded stature, icy stare and cold yet penetrating words.

His latest book reveals that he believes all party leaders should be seeking psychiatric help.

But, that said, the last time the Inferno spoke to him it was at the Devonshire Hotel in Liverpool when he was guest speaker backing Joe "Mayor of Gotham" Anderson’s leadership.

Teetotaller Alastair ended a very revealing talk with his encore – playing the bagpipes.

"I knew he was full of wind," said one wag.

Peter Grant