WHY are we waiting?

A recent survey has shown that we spend 45 to 60 minutes a day waiting.

Which means that if we live to be 70 - three years of our mortal toil will have been used up.

Waiting is a tedious part of our daily lives - waiting in telephone queues, in call centres, bus and taxi stops, hospitals, supermarkets, banks and post offices.

One man who has gleefully made waiting an art form is Chris Tarrant.

The former host of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? boasts that he started the "Competitive Pause."

It is a system of telly torture that has now been adopted by every game and reality show.

Chris used the T T T - Tarrant Teasing Technique - to draw out the eventual outcome of his slick questioneering.

The contestant would be on tenterhooks and so were the audience in the studio and at home.

Now every television game and reality show uses this devilish device to add extra suspense, tension and drama to their light entertainment output.

From Great British Bake Off to Masterchef, you will see and hear the announcement of the winner's names dragged out for as long as possible - accompanied by crescendo-building music.

So thanks Chris for adding more pressure to our already stressed out lives. Let’s hope the T T T doesn’t make an appearance in our forthcoming election coverage.

Imagine returning officers up and down the country making our politicians sweat as they wait to hear their fate and prolong the agony to see if they are deemed to have The X Factor.

HOW do you follow Roger Moore?

Bring on a similar tanned, smooth, unshaken and seldom stirred performer - Michael Portillo.

Following the former 007’s sell-out show at the Floral Pavilion, Mr P will be presenting An audience with evening at the New Brighton Floral Pavilion in January.

The one-time Minister for Merseyside and a man once tipped to be PM will be talking about his life in and out of politics and his transition from the Commons to the small screens.

I knew Michael had what it takes for a TV career when I was invited to appear in the first ever edition of his hugely-successful, oft repeated Great British Railways series.

This format saw Michael travel the length and breadth of the UK with his Bradshaw's timetable book to see how things have changed since its publication.

Michael once told me, over a steaming bowl of Scouse, about his affection for Wirral.

So he must be getting the star treatment every day.

In January I will pop along and ask a few questions, the most important being - when do I get my royalties?

A FAMOUS comedian once said Liverpool should be "twinned with Beirut."

City leaders were up in arms about this attack on the city’s battered image.

So it was no surprise when Birkenhead’s outspoken MP Frank Field recently caused a ruction when he compared yob culture in his constituency as being the "Beirut of the North." 

The plus side is that Liverpool started to look at how people saw the city thanks to the slur. Now we need action.

Wirral should respond accordingly and take on board what Frank said in the Globe.

I ENJOY reading all the feed-back comments that follow the stories in the paper.

My favourite this week came after it was announced that outgoing council chief executive Graham Burgess has landed a new job with a housing association.

One reader was lost for words. Well, just about. He simply said: "WHAT?!" An exclamation remark, indeed.

AND Finally ... A good yarn to warm you in winter. How do you celebrate National Tree Week?

Well, take a leaf out of the creative Greasby Yarnbomber's book and make a trunk call to see the colourfully-decorated trees of the area.

They have decked them out in glorious woollen clothes knitted and crocheted by these environmentally friendly folk. Welcome to the wonderful world of what we at the Inferno call Tree Cosies.

Peter Grant