Step into Granty's Inferno

Step into Granty's Inferno

Step into Granty's Inferno

First published in Granty's Inferno

THE great Beatle George Harrison said he never made promises that he couldn’t keep.

Wise words, and a mantra that I try to uphold. If only some politicians would adhere to this admirable philosophy.

Especially - Boris Johnson.

I met Boris many times when I was in Oxford as a mature student. Even then in the mid-80s, he seemed like a Dickensian figure. Boris was once president of the Oxford Union debating society.

I met him with his pre-tussled, Dulux-dog hair and frock coat (cue music from Downton Abbey,) many times when he was speech-making at the despatch box.

He asked me, in that posh voice, for “tips about getting into journalism.”

Boris, the New York-born, old-Etonian Classics scholar and author, has now revealed he will stand as an MP in next year’s general election, and no doubt he’ll throw his Burberry hat into the Tory leadership contest should David Cameron run into trouble.

But Boris, you promised you wouldn’t do it. So how can we trust a word you say if you ever land the plum job?

Boris said he wouldn’t return to Parliament while governing London.

And he pledged - on record in numerous interviews - that he wouldn’t stand as an MP while Cameron was PM. Boris, if you are breaking pledges now, what will you be like in office?

Deputy PM Nick Clegg became a laughing stock when, after promising to abolish rises in student loans, he did a vote-losing U-turn. Politicians – locally and nationally - should only make promises they can keep.

CLAPPERBOARD, action…I look forward to the release of a new blockbuster called “FIC” starring Daniel Craig as Cllr Phil Davies.

The local hero has helped Wirral get accolades for being the “country’s fastest Improving” council thus my catchy title – certificate PG.

The big budget movie will be filmed on location at Wallasey Town Hall.

We will see special effects: earth-shattering carpets, majestic staircases and toilets to die for and now £100,000 lifts that will elevate the building to a status on a par with the Bond set at Pinewood.

Sorry, this is a dream sequence I had last night.

All joking aside, why not make a film? If Wirral is the fastest improving council - prove it.

The council made a promotional film about the Open Golf Championship, so why not commission community groups to produce short films that show taxpayers where the money has been spent?

Our big spenders don’t need Spielberg to direct – just get local film-makers to produce it and let the script speak for itself…the truth is out there.

MERSEYSIDE is a global brand that travels well.

I refer to an incident that was told to the Inferno this week as the football season kicked off.

A pal went to Africa on a get-away-from-it-all trip.

While there he booked to see an African sunset.

His guide was a silent warrior in tribal gear, face paint and spear.

He didn’t say a word as my friend waxed lyrical about Wirral sunsets and double rainbows.

The guide just stared ahead as the African skies turned into a beautiful, natural canvas above.

Then as my pal walked away, the warrior turned around and said..”Tell me, have Tranmere Rovers won the league yet?”

AND finally...As the next Dr Who is ready to arrive on Aug 23, I bumped into two Wirral Whovians - members of the fan club for the Doctor - who are already discussing the next incarnation of the Time Lord and even before Peter Capaldi has seen the paint dry in the Tardis.

I have interviewed seven doctors in my life as a TV editor and I know who I would like to take on the gallery of galactic enemies - a female Doctor Who (controversial, I know) - in the form of Lily Savage, courtesy of Paul O’Grady’s Birkenhead blonde bombsite creation.

Lily would only have to ask: “Who are you looking at?” before even the scary Daleks would hide behind their own sofas.

Peter Grant And finally...I could not believe my eyes: Designer “Karl Lagerfield Coming Soon to a Specsavers store near you.”

Alas, I couldn’t read the small print - it actually meant his glasses range is coming, not the man himself.

What a spectacle it would have been - he could have signed my glasses case.

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