What is happening to our language? Can the Government please appoint a Minister for the Protection of English (no, not Nigel Farage) but an articulate spokesperson who will stop vowel behaviour on such a grand scale.

Okay, I promise no more puns, but I am literally weary of current clichés; I avoid them like the plague because they are ten a penny.

A few recent additions to the already bulging, bloated English dictionary are making us sound like Americans, ya all.

One phrase really grates with me…“National Treasure.” Which public relations agency came up with that one?

Apparently, David Beckham is one – I don’t recall being consulted or voting in a referendum for him to have such status.

And comic irritants Miranda Hart and Michael McIntyre are also given this man-made “accolade.”

But I say beware of being dubbed a national treasure (NT). Previous recipients have not blossomed well with this ghastly garland hanging over them.

In fact, one previous treasure has already been dug up and moved on.

How’s about that then? Jimmy Savile was an NT until he was exposed as a “non-national treasure.”

Jeffrey Archer was an NT (now, I certainly wouldn’t have rubber-stamped that one and, while I am ranting, why is he still Lord-ing it?).

Rolf (do you know what I am yet? You do now…) Harris was another NT until we discovered that he simply…wasn’t.

The only person who rightly deserves the title of National Treasure is The Queen – but that’s because she owns most of it.

AND while the Inferno is on fire about language abuse, I swear that I will campaign to end ridiculous mobile phone re-inventions of our humble photograph.

In my youth, I believed Polaroids were magical.

We now have selfies – which have become contagious, so much so that Barack Obama and David Cameron keep taking them.

Don’t they have better things to do?

Will we ever see a selfie of the President and PM in Syria? But now some sad social media recluse with virtually no friends has created the “relfie” - a mobile phone pic of a person with a relative.

It is to compensate people who are living their lives via phone technology – who don’t actually socialise, to share their daily routines on a small screen with the rest of us who, quite frankly, don’t care.

I will never do a selfie or a relfie, but come Christmas I am going to introduce my own concept.

At a Santa grotto - somewhere in tinsel-coated Wirral - I want to have a picture with one of Chris Cringle’s helpers.

Welcome to a world exclusive – “the Elfie.”

NOW, I may need some help here, but isn’t Birkenhead part of Wirral?

I only ask because very few people seem to speak up about it.

The Pyramids are doing a fine job too, and you can’t say pharaoh than that.

But why do they not get the opportunities?

Former Scaffolder John Gorman has built his annual Wirral Festival of Firsts event, but not all parts of Wirral get a look in.

Last weekend, at the launch, John could have helped give the town (where he was born) some much-missed love and attention.

I refer to the 80th birthday of the brilliant Birkenhead Central Library.

It would have been a suitable salute to this fine establishment to have featured in the events.

We need libraries more than ever and BCL do fine work, especially with children and health and well being campaigns.

The Inferno says ‘Happy Birkenhead birthday to an over-looked jewel in the local crown.

Well done to all the BCL staff and the readers – of all ages- who keep the library alive. I’m booked to see you for your 81st!

AND finally…I have just been for my eye test.

The optician said: “Can you read those letters on the wall”

I said: “What wall?”

I was then told to see the specialist. But, as I nervously waited in the queue, guess who I bumped into? Everybody.

Read more from the Inferno online at wirralglobe.co.uk