"IT'S not you, it's me" and "the cheque's in the post" are sadly the most over-used phrases in the English language.

The other is "Sorry for the inconvenience."

Commuters across the Merseyrail network will be hearing this mantra from October 20 this year into June next year.

I read the news today and my heart sank: "Platforms upgrades."

Translated, it means "Disruption".

We all know about jet lag – now comes rail lag.

I am a seven-days-a-week commuter from Liverpool to Wirral.

I've been there.

I - and thousands like me - will have to go there again.

I have only just recovered from the Lime Street renovation.

I watched daily as Central Station was occupied by luggage-on-wheels carrying passengers looking bemused as rail support workers in yellow jackets urged us to move along the platform to get to somewhere called South Parkway.

One staffer used a hand-helped microphone and called us all 'guys'.

As we prepare for autumn to summer disruption on 58 stations, I hope the rail bosses have learned from previous upgrading work.

Communication is the key.

Please keep us in the loop.

Merseytravel's head of rail Wayne Menzies said: "It's really important that passengers know what's happening, so they can plan ahead and if we work together we can keep everyone moving and the city region will remain open for business." 

I've been down this track before.

But he has hit the rail on the head.

Merseyrail's managing director Andy Heath adds that these works are vital to prepare our network for the arrival of the state-of-theart trains in 2020.

We are encouraged to "plan ahead; consider options about peak time travel and check, check, check ..."

As a child I would hide behind the sofa when Daleks appeared on the screen now I hide behind railway station pillars as the dreaded "bus replacement service" looms.

I thought all the upgrade work was completed after the Wirral Loop renewal.

Investment in super trains is vital – investment in keeping passengers informed is now super crucial.

For a start, can bosses install huge electronic, fact-filled information boards at key stations such as Liverpool Central and Birkenhead North?

There’s nothing worse than the not knowing.

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WHO would be your ideal celebrity neighbour?

A survey has put David Attenborough tops.

I can see that - he is quietly spoken and courteous.

And Sir David would make sure local wildlife is looked after.

He is followed by Mary Berry.

Well she can borrow a cup of sugar anytime from me as long as she returns it with a cake.

Others include JK Rowling and Harry Potter star Emma Watson – they come with a warning "beware low-flying broomsticks."

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are surprisingly prime choices but surely that could prove irritating getting security clearance every night by men in black.

Another star who ticks the boxes is Adele but could you cope with her love song dirges emanating from her bathroom window.

Researchers for Go Compare say good neighbours are essential to our well-being.

I recall a man next door to me in London who decided one day he would start up a business making "takeaway curries" from his flat.

The smells and constant steam alerted health and safety officers who came and "took away" his unofficial business.

I just want peace and quiet.

My ideal neighbour would be the Dalai Lama.

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DID you notice that Britain has been under attack ... from wasps?

They have been acting like the insect equivalent of lager louts stinging people when drunk.

It seems the wicked winged ones started binge- drinking this summer imbibing on fermenting fruit and small sips of pub garden cider – enough to send them tipsy.

Pest control officers in Basingstoke dealing with the sticky problem came to a conclusion that will benefit science and anyone who has had a picnic ruined.

The sobering outcome is that wasps cannot handle their booze.

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"SHALL I compare thee to a summer bee..." 

Doesn’t quite scan, does it?

You simply can't compete with Shakespeare for his mastery of the English language.

And yet someone once said give a typewriter to a monkey and they can eventually write a novel.

Now, according to New Scientist magazine, researchers are using Artificial Intelligence to try and write Shakespeare-like sonnets having been programmed with examples of the Bard's greatest lyrical hits.

Logistically they could do it and could grasp the structure but the end results lacked 'soul'.

AI robots may one day take our jobs but they will never make poets. 

AND finally ...

I wish it was festive fake news ... Selfridges in London have opened their Christmas Hall With just 18 shopping weeks - 132 days left - till the big day.

Heaven elf us.

I believe there should be a strict embargo on showing any sign of pre-Christmas presence.

I will take this up with the National Union of Santas and propose a Clause in their contacts.

Peter Grant